Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
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I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant