Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
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“The Perfect Relationship”
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
Good morning!
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…