Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
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there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
saw this in a dream
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.