Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
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every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I’m giving up ice.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
