Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
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Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”
I want what they have
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Seek kebab; not attention
🙋♀️
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
one week till the election
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive