Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.

WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.

THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.

omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*

Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

Me: *spends 4 hours comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”

I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.

My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

Kinda lame that pretending everything is fine isn’t working

“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there

[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?

Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!