Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving

Damn he played himself

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.

My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy

If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.