Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
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[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
me linking you to my twitter
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.