Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.