Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”

suspect: what?

lawyer: no further questions your honor

Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.

[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.

Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’

Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct

Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?

I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE