Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
You Might Also Like
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.