Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
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Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.