Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
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If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Genius idea!!
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
See..?
.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Weighing up my bread heating options
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u