Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

[spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is sentence

Me: can you use it in a sentence?

Moderator: your word is sentence

A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.

“This was a better idea on papyrus”

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

I stuck my head out the window and moo-ed at the cows, this date will soon be over.

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

ME: You see, I’m playing both sides

FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth

My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft