Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
handsome & gretel
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
look at me when i’m typing to you
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.