Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

So many pants.
So little yoga.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

[Our bedroom, morning]

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: *presses snooze*

Alarm clock: *beeps*

Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM

first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues

I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”

Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect