Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

[Doctor’s Office]

Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….

Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!

Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

You sure about that?

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: You thought I was black?

Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.