Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
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You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
me logging onto twitter
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.