Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
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MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.