Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
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Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them