Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
![]()
You Might Also Like
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Is….Is this an option?
![]()
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
sin harder.
![]()
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
![]()
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*