Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
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If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
What fresh Hell is this?!?
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.