The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
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ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Always put the important stuff in the first part of your tweet, because no one will cat basket the walnuts if there’s pickletits at the end.
Pour some sugar on me. More. Keep going. Okay, now bricks.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
The Humane Society will give Donald Trump $5 if he releases that thing on his head back into the woods.