PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
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She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Another interesting #factupdates post!
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.