(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
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Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Welcome to your 40s: you鈥檙e not having a midlife crisis you鈥檙e just awake.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
The worst fight I鈥檝e ever been in is with Clingwrap.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn鈥檛 say anything about staying in the exam room
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 馃槀
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.