Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
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Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Cinema or bowling
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
#DesignFail
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management