Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.

Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

You were the hot single in your area the whole time.

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space