Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.

twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.

No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.

Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?

What a kind woman! 😂😂

Facebook Twitter

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

Wow, your teeth are white.

Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

Ridiculous. He should be in jail

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.

Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?

*meanwhile across town*

Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.

[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

your elf on the shelf was delicious

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

Sooo many times…..

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.

It’s less hassel that way.