Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato

If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

How I like cutting carbs

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day

Opens the bottle of hot sauce

Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

Corn Dogs: Uninserted

The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.

Him: Fresh Parmesan?

Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

interviewer: any questions?

me: yes, what are your strengths?

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.