*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
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A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread