*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
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Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
normalize having existential bread
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.