*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
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worst…sale…ever
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?