*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
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I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
i was dropped as an adult
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.