Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”

-Ground hogs

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

What is a Sherpa?

“Let me summit up for you.”

My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.

Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.