*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.