Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
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*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
What do we want?
DRESSES WITH POCKETS!
How do we want them?
FILLED WITH SNACKS!
What kind of snacks?
PREFERABLY A REFRESHING MIX OF SALTY AND SWEET BUT WE’RE NOT TOO PICKY FOCUS ON THE POCKETS
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit