*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
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Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
The Friday File.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people