Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

[out to eat with in-laws]

Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne

Wife: Hey these are my parents

Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating

rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*

shaggy: this is serious she has me on video

rikrok: say it wasn’t u?

shaggy: ok i’m gonna go

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

the zen of frog

Happy thanksgiving!

It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.