Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.

the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️

Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.

Fight 🔥 with 🔥

Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?

“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.

It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy

I will always post cat eating corn when I see it

*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?