*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
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Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.