Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

Godspeed, John Glenn

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.

I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

they really wanted me dead for this

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold

Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?

Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.

Me: [whispers] type-o.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

Not today.. 😂

Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use