Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

weddings should have a worst man

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?

Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!

I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.

Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-

Some guy: Be rich?

Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”

Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.

twitter users today:

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.