*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
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I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
excuse me
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie