Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

9yo: (mouths off to me)

Me:

Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.

Me: Patience

(1 hour later)

9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?

Me: What charger?

Hubs: Nice one.

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf

I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.

Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend: