* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
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We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks