Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
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*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
all that yoga finally paid off
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”