Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

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*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]


Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.


ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.


I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.


I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.


I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.


My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don’t remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.


If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.


The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.