“Yep, I’m going to jail.”
When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
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I’m gonna go out on a limb and declare ‘Drugs’ the winner of the war on drugs.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
[helping my kid with contractions]
Her: Would have
M: Nice. I’ll
H: I will
M: Good. Won’t
H: Won not
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
wife: please, don’t let our son down again
me: [boarding up the attic] yes clearly the curse is not yet broken
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting