@ThisLocalHater

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

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@jake_lach

“Yep, I’m going to jail.”

When a State Trooper takes the same exit off the highway*

@bfrosty04

I’m gonna go out on a limb and declare ‘Drugs’ the winner of the war on drugs.

@momjeansplease

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

@birbigs

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

@Mr_Kapowski

[helping my kid with contractions]

Me: Would’ve

Her: Would have

M: Nice. I’ll

H: I will

M: Good. Won’t

H: Won not

M: Excellent

@spekulation

My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.

@chuuew

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

@arcadeseals

wife: please, don’t let our son down again

me: [boarding up the attic] yes clearly the curse is not yet broken

@KalvinMacleod

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

@Love_bug1016

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting