@ThisLocalHater

Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?

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@TheAlexNevil

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

@MomofTeen

Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:

Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.

@dafloydsta

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

@WritePlay

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

@Havish_AF

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

@isaidwhat_

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

@weismanjake

My cat just walked by me carrying a toy mouse I don’t remember buying her. Women be shoppin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@sixfootcandy

When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.

@mxmclain

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

@OneFunnyMummy

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.