Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
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Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.