Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
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My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
*limbos away from your hug*
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
In Canada they just call them geese
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg