Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

You Might Also Like


Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…


[at funeral]

Me: “I’m sorry your husband died in that boating accident in Venice”

Widow: “please no….

Me: “you have my gondolances”


*at plastic surgeon’s office*

ME: Make me pretty.
SURGEON: How about implants?
ME: Naw.
SURGEON: Filler?
Me: No thanks.
SURGEON: I can replace your arms with sharks.
ME: You have my attention.


Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?


Me, being sawn in half by Magician: Hey listen, thanks for doing this


Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.


How To Get Rich:

1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson.

2. Empty it the next day.

3. Become a millionaire.


As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.


I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.