@Boleyngirly

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

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@MiddleageM

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

@WrongPandas

[at funeral]

Me: “I’m sorry your husband died in that boating accident in Venice”

Widow: “please no….

Me: “you have my gondolances”

@GuacamoleJesus

*at plastic surgeon’s office*

ME: Make me pretty.
SURGEON: How about implants?
ME: Naw.
SURGEON: Filler?
Me: No thanks.
SURGEON: I can replace your arms with sharks.
ME: You have my attention.

@FeelingEuphoric

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

@brynnester

Me, being sawn in half by Magician: Hey listen, thanks for doing this

@Brianhopecomedy

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

@Shock_Monster

How To Get Rich:

1. Place a Swear Jar next to Samuel L Jackson.

2. Empty it the next day.

3. Become a millionaire.

@batkaren

As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.

@VectorBelly

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.