Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
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*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
oppen heimer style lol
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly