“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
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[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.