“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
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After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
#damn
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Huge if true.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
The only equipped I am is ill.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Voodoo map
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano