Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.

Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”

Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

Finally

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”

There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

Anarchy

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

Why are bridges so flammable.