Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*

God: *creates mom look*

Angel: Are you mad?

God: No, just disappointed

[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full

Daughter: I drew a picture of you

Me: where’s my big muscles?

Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.

i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼‍♀️

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.

Moving on.

Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.

kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts

Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.

godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.