“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
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You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
😩😩😩
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
🙋♀️
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
pls suprot
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.