Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.

also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

#DidYouKnow?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣