Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
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When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company