Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
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Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
tag yourself
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.