Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
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Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
just left a huge legacy in there
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
Why am I like this?
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house
