My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
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Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Worst perfume name ever.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.