Fine, take the other car, I don’t care.

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“Women don’t like me, idk why?”
“Maybe it’s because they sense you’re a psycho who will decapitate their cat?”
“No, that can’t be it.”


daniel radcliffe’s family were just known as the cliffe’s until his great grandfather invented the kick flip


Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.


[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin


If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.


[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no


[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”


Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.


My son finally overcame his fear and rode his bike without training wheels two weekends ago. Tonight he is googling dirt bikes and ATV’s because apparently he thinks he’s hardcore now