FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
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the clocks on the oven and the microwave this morning:
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
<- sleeps well with others
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Goat cheese is for herders.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.