FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
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What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land