Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.

I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”

CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus

me: the big windshield wipers

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

christening a ship with an overripe banana

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.

her: I’m a cat person

me: I’m more of a dog pers-

her: [starts licking hind leg]

me: oooOoo k

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.