Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
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A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
#Caturday
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.