Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
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You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]