Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
You Might Also Like
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
I’m good, thanks.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.