Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
You Might Also Like
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Me irl
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms