Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
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Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
These 3D printers are insane!
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
New comic up. “Ransom”
