*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
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I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
