Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
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Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Wait a minute…
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.