Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
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Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
“you guys will complain about anything” yeah im on the complain app
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back