Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
You Might Also Like
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.