“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
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Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
neighborhood watch
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same