Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number

People: What the

Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

Me: *pooping with the door open*

Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

[After my death]

WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband

*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*

WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*

BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters