“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
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Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Okey dokey.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Oddly specific
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
handsome & gretel
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra