“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
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I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I triple waxed for this?
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
I always feel a bit out of the loop when people talk about “life-changing experiences”, because they always cite their kids being born, watching the sun rise over Kilimanjaro or finding god, and I just sit there thinking “I started using naan breads to dip in my soup this year”.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.