Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
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Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
where the womens at?
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.